I can't stop
by FranklyFrankie
Summary: Selena cut herself to get her thoughts of Demi out of her head. Let's see how long Selena can go without someone knowing the reason why she cuts. Demena femslash
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One.

(Selena's POV)

I was sitting on the bathroom floor with the razor blade next to me. There were four new cuts on my left wrist, dripping blood on the floor. I just sat there, thankful for finally being able to clear my mind. The thoughts of Demi had disappeared, and I was glad they had. The thoughts I had about her weren't good, and I had to make sure no one found out about my feelings for her. Yes, I had feelings for her, and I couldn't help it.

I heard my mom call for me from the kitchen, telling me the dinner was ready. I answered with 'Be right there!' and started to wipe away the blood from my wrist and the floor with toilet paper. I threw the paper in the toilet and flushed it. If mom knew I was cutting she'd freak. She even freaks out if I accidentally hurt myself. Like when I was twelve, we went to the beach and a wasp stung me. It hurt, but I didn't cry. But I saw my mom wipe away a tear from her eye… I still don't know why she started crying. I guess I'm her 'little princess'… she doesn't want me to get hurt. So if she knew I was cutting… you get the idea.

I have a backup plan though. If someone did find out, I could blame it on my father's death. It wouldn't feel right, but we'll see how things will work out. Maybe I don't need to use an explanation. That is, if no one finds out.

He died in a car accident three years ago. I was crushed, I even thought of suicide… I felt so horrible. But Demi and my mom helped me. They are my angels. I don't know how they managed to bring me out of the darkness. I guess it was when I realized that I couldn't live without Demi. I mean, I wouldn't be with her if I killed myself, would I?

She stayed over for a month and took care of me. And in the nights when she heard me crying, she held me close to her and we snuggled till I fell asleep. Eventually, after all those nights and days with her, I fell in love with her.

I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I didn't like what I saw. My hair was a mess and it could be seen that I had been crying. I looked down in the sink and turned on the cold water. I splashed the water in my face to get the puffiness to disappear. I turned off the water and dried my hands and face. I took one last look in the mirror and pulled my hair in a ponytail. I picked up the razor blade, pulled the sleeve of my shirt over the cuts and exited the bathroom. Since I had my own bathroom I could easily hide the blade away without getting caught. I put the blade in my drawer, closed it, and went down to the kitchen to find my mom waiting for me by the dining table.

"What took you so long?" my mom asked, looking at the watch on her arm. "I called for you ten minutes ago."

I didn't make eye contact as I sat down by the table, but I could feel that her eyes were on me. "I uh-, I had some homework to finish." I said, before giving her a small fake smile. My mom smiled, and was what I guess, satisfied with that answer and started to put food on her plate.

-

We didn't talk much during the dinner; we only brought up a few recently happened things. My mother started to remove the dishes from the table and I rose, ready to go up to my room again.

"Selena?" my mother suddenly said.

"Yeah?" I answered, turning around to face her.

"What do you think of that idea?" She asked, making me confused. I must have been in my own thoughts since I didn't hear her first question.

"What idea?" I answered, not having a clue what she was talking about.

"About playing some games tonight? It has been a while since we hung out, mother and daughter." She said, waiting for my answer. I really didn't want to do anything tonight, so I told her the first thing that came to my mind.

"I gotta finish my homework."

"But you said you had finished them?" she asked confused.

"Yeah, uh, I just remembered I had more homework." I said, mentally slapping myself for that lame excuse. Couldn't I think of something smarter?!!

"Oh," she said, with a hint of disappointment in her voice. After a few moments she asked, "Are you okay, sweetie?" And started to move towards me with a worried face.

"I'm fine, I just got a lot of homework to do." And with that I turned around, leaving her alone in the kitchen while I rushed up the stairs.

I lied down on the bed with a loud sigh, praying that my mom wouldn't come upstairs to see how 'her princess' was doing. After lying in the same position, staring at the ceiling for a good fifteen minutes, I started to look for my Ipod. "Where the hell is it?" I mumbled to myself after not finding it at its usual spot on the desk. I practically searched through the whole room before giving up. I walked towards the bed, not looking where I was going. I tripped on the pile of homework (which I hadn't done), and fell onto the floor next to my bed. I cursed at the books before noticing the Ipod under my bed. I crawled closer to the bed and reached for it. But… "This isn't the Ipod" I said, before pulling out a shoebox with the word 'Pictures' on it. I forgot about the Ipod under the bed, and lifted the lid off the box.

In the box there were pictures of Demi and me when we were together on different occasions. I lifted the pictures on the top and looked at them. I smiled to myself, and just when I was gonna put the pictures back in the box, my eyes fell on a picture of when Demi and i were at the beach two years ago. Demi was wearing her black bikini and her black Ray Bans. I was wearing my striped bikini that now was too small. On the picture, we were walking in the sand with our arms linked together. I also have another picture from that day, where she kissed my cheek. After that picture was taken I blushed like crazy, which made her laugh. God, her laugh…

I immediately put the pictures back in the box, put the lid on and pushed it far under the bed. I felt the feelings slowly coming back as I reached for my Ipod and lied down on the bed and started listening, hoping the feelings would go away.

-

I woke up by someone knocking on the door. I looked around confused, wondering where I was. The sun was shining through the window, giving the room a warm feeling. I looked at the clock and saw that it was 11.04 am. I heard another knock before I stepped out of bed, realizing I wore the same clothes as I did yesterday.

I opened the door and was surprised to see Demi, smiling her trademark smile.

"Hey, sleepyhead!" she said and hugged me tightly. Seriously, she's torturing me.

"Hey," I said, hugging her back.

"So," she said, pulling away from the hug. "Are you ready for today's shopping mania?" she asked, smiling even bigger, making me melt inside…

"W-Was that to-today?" I finally managed to get out. She laughed, (probably at my stuttering,) which caused me to melt more.

"Yes, dork. We decided that yesterday!" she said, still smiling.

"Oh, right." I said, finally remembering. "Yeah, I guess. I just gotta change my clothes."

"Okay." She said, and I turned around and started to look after clothes in my closet. I started to unbutton my jeans as I turned around and saw that Demi still was at the door, looking at me. The smile was gone, and just let me say, she didn't look me in the eyes.

"You gonna stand there while I change?" I asked her, winking my left eye, but blushed as soon as I realized what I've done.

"I, uh-, I'm just.. gonna.. uh," She said, blushing, and then walked out of my room. 'What was that all about?' I thought, but loosed the thought as I got changed.

A/N: Please rate and review. You may complain about my language, tell me I suck at writing in English, and you may even throw pens at me. I'm trying as hard as I can to get it right. :)

**Oh and you may also tell me you like it. Just sayin'. That is if you do like it. I don't know. This maybe is horrible. In that case, tell me. The story isn't done, but I have an idea in my head. And in my head it's good! :) muohahahah…heh.. r&r. **

**XD **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two.**

After a good five hours shopping mania which involved looking at Demi and tell her how good she looked in this or that, eating weird things we saw in supermarkets that looked good but tasted totally the opposite, talking about random stuff, laughing at the random stuff we talked about and me stealing glimpses of Demi all the time when she weren't looking, we finally went home to me. We put the bags in my room and lied down on the bed, totally exhausted.

"Shopping is serious workout!" Demi said, followed by a short laugh, after five minutes of silence.

"Yeah it sure is, and by the way where is my _bag_? Is it somewhere under your _fifteen bags_?" I said jokingly.

"Yeah about that, you always use to buy lots of clothes. Are you okay?" She said, sitting up, putting a hand on my forehead to see if I had any fever. I knew she was kidding, 'cause she couldn't keep the smile away from her face. Her touch making the skin on my forehead tingle. And ahh, that smile… those perfect lips… I wonder what they taste like…

"Sel?" Great, I spaced out again. I have to stop doing that.

"Yeah?" I answered, looking her in the _eyes_. (Notice, eyes… I'm looking her in the eyes, eyes, eyes, lips… damn.)

"Are you okay? Seriously." She asked with a worried face.

"Yes, of course I am." I answered, forcing my lips to form into a smile.

She didn't look convinced, but she nodded, and it went silent again. She was still looking at me with that worried face.

"I just want you to feel good, that's all." She said. Oh I think I know a way she can make me feel good… STOP IT!!! *Mental slap*

She continued, "And you know that you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"Yeah, I know." I said and gave her a smile. I know I can tell her absolutely anything… Except my feelings for her and cutting 'cause of having feelings for her.

I don't remember when I started cutting. But it's not that long ago since I started. Before, I only used music to get the thoughts out of my head. It worked a few times, but not always. So I started to "accidentally" hurt myself, such as hitting myself with items. But it didn't hurt enough. So one time, when I was helping mom with the dinner, I accidentally cut myself, (This was a real accident,) I thought that I could cut myself. 'Cause only that little cut on my finger hurt a lot. I wondered why I hadn't thought of it before, but better late than ever.

So the day after the accident, I looked through some boxes in the garage with dad's old stuff in them. I finally found his shaving stuff, poured the things out on the floor and took a razor blade. I gathered the things in the box and put it back so mom didn't suspect anything. I guess I'm doing a good job, cos she hasn't figured out yet. And I'm doing a great job 'cause Demi hasn't figured out either.

We were starting to get hungry, so we went down in the kitchen to see if there was something we could eat. But my mom was already one step ahead of us and had started with dinner, so we sat down in the living room and waited for the food to get ready.

I switched on the TV and zapped through all the channels two times before finding anything suitable to watch. Scrubs is always fun. But I think we were too tired to laugh, 'cause none of us laughed or giggled at all. Demi leaned her head against my shoulder and it instantly started to tingle. And it didn't get any better when she started to draw circles with her finger in my hand. She intertwined our fingers and gave out a small, tired sigh. I sat there, unmoved. I didn't know what to do, my mind and body was going crazy over her touch. I was about to get up and "go to the bathroom" when my mom saved me and told us it was dinner. Don't get me wrong, I love holding her hand, feeling her touch. But I'm afraid my feelings will take over. I practically ran to the kitchen, leaving Demi looking like a question mark before turning off the TV and following me into the kitchen.

It was mostly mom who talked. Or, she asked us questions about where we went and what we bought. And since Demi bought most of the clothes, she had to talk more than me. I was completely fine by that, 'cause my mind was still going crazy. We had never intertwined our fingers before… We had only held each other's hands, like, "normally".

I was seriously going crazy, why wont the tingling feeling stop already?!! I rose up quickly, almost overturned the chair.

"I have to go to the bathroom." I said, and quickly ran up the stairs to my room. I opened the drawer, took out the razor blade and went to the bathroom. I closed the door behind me and locked the door. I sat down on the floor and pulled up my sleeve. I sat there and stared at the cuts for a minute before I reopened the cuts I did yesterday, but I cut a little deeper this time.

Pain.

Thank you, Mr. Pain. It helped. I sat there and looked at the blood from the wounds going in rivers down my arm. I then took some toilet paper and wiped away the blood. I stood up and washed my wrist under water for a while, then took a towel and dried my hands and my wrist.

I heard a knock on the door and I froze.

"Sel?" A voice of an angel was heard. Demi.

I threw the towel away and pulled down my sleeve.

"Sel, are you okay?" Demi asked, and I could hear she was worried.

"Yeah, uh-, I'll be right out." I had to clean up in the bathroom. There was still blood on the floor, I wiped it away quickly with toilet paper and flushed it down the toilet. I hid the razor blade in the bloody towel, (great, how to explain the blood to mom?) and hid it behind the clean towels in the cabinet.

I opened the bathroom door to find Demi sitting on my bed. She rose when she saw me.

"Are you okay?" She asked with a worried face.

"Yeah, I just had to, uhm…" I had no answer, I looked down on the floor and put a strand of hair behind my ear as it kept on falling down.

She started to move closer to me and my heart began to race. She was now right in front of me and I definitely didn't dare to look up now.

She lifted my chin up so she could look me in the eyes. We stood there for a few moments, just looking in each other's eyes. She finally spoke, "I know something's wrong, Sel. Can't you just tell me what it is?" She said, still looking into my eyes. I wanted to look away, but my eyes were glued to her eyes.

"It's nothing," I said after a few seconds, finally able to look away. "We should go downstairs." I said, turning to the door and took a few steps before Demi grabbed me by the wrist. The left wrist may I add.

"Ow." I didn't want to say it, but it slipped. It burned when she touched the cuts. I turned around to face her. She hadn't let go of the wrist.

"Ow?" She said, looking really worried. Please god, please don't let her find out.

**Good? Bad? R&R. **

**You gonna throw pens now? *Hides behind my hands* **


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I am so, so sorry for not updating. If you want to complain, please, do that by throwing pens. Gotta hate school, right? It's been that darn homework that has kept me from writing. (Lame excuse maybe, but it's the truth.) I was like, fifteen pages behind in math, so I had to do something about that. Anywhoo, here's chapter 3. It's a lil shorter than the previous ones, but hopefully I can extend the upcoming chapters. :)**

**Chapter ****three****.**

"Ow?" She looked really concerned.

"It's nothing." I tried to get loose but she wouldn't take her hand away from my wrist. "Ow."

"Selena… did you…" She gasped and let go of my wrist with tears forming in her eyes.

We stood there looking at each other. I had no idea what to say and it hurt to see her near tears 'cause of me.

"Demi, please don't cry…" At those words, she started crying and threw her arms around my neck. She cried against my neck and held me close as I held her close as well, leading her towards my bed. We lied down on the bed, crying in each other's arms.

I don't know for how long we had lied there and cried, but it felt like hours. It was now dark outside and we still lied in bed, but only sniffling. Demi's arm was around my waist with my back against her. She had snuggled her face into my neck, and her breath causing chills go down my spine. I tried my best not to shiver, but it didn't work that well. I guess she thought it was because I had been crying, 'cause she only snuggled closer to me. Her touch was making my mind go crazy like it always did.

My thoughts had started to wander off, which was not good at all. I needed the razor blade, but I'm sure she wouldn't let me go in there now. 'Gah! I…have…to…' I was about to get out of bed when Demi spoke.

"Why?" I knew exactly what she meant. It was just that I didn't have any answer for her.

She sat up in the bed and looked at me. "I know you're hiding something from me." I didn't want to look at her; I could already hear the hurt in her voice. So I closed my eyes and wished that she'd drop it, but after knowing Demi all these years I know that she's stubborn.

"Please, why wont you just tell me what's wrong?!" Her voice was raised and more hurt was heard in her voice. I shook my head and said, "I can't. I don't want to lose you." The last part came out as a whisper.

"Fine." She said, and exited the room leaving me, the razorblade and the bloody towel to ourselves. Another reason to cut myself. I had hurt her. I got up from bed and walked towards the bathroom. I didn't get far 'cause my mom shot through the door.

"What happened?" she asked me with a worried face. Seriously, the worried faces have got to stop appearing. "Demi ran out the door crying! And she was mad. Have you been fighting?"

I sighed and answered, "No, mom, we haven't. Just leave me alone, ok? I've got homework to do." Guess what? = *Mental slap*

"O-k, but…" I shut the door in her face. I couldn't talk to her right now. I turned and walked to the bathroom…

-

I don't know how, but I managed to fall asleep. It's 1 pm and I'm lying in bed waiting for a meteor to fall through the roof of my room. Sadly it never happened, so I got up from bed and walked downstairs to the living room. I sat down on the couch and waited for a gangster to pull up by our house and shoot me in the head. That never happened either. So I went to the kitchen and took out a jar of pickles. When I put a pickle in my mouth I heard a knock on the door. I put the jar on the counter and went to open the door.

"I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have left you alone, I'm so sorry!!" She hugged me as she said it. "I just didn't know what to do."

"It's ok, Demi." I hugged her back.

"

We've been watching one and a half movies now. The movie we're watching now is some movie I didn't even know I had. It's about some trouble child going to England… I haven't really watched the movie so I don't know what its about, really. The reason I haven't watched the movie is snuggled up next to me. She has put her head on my shoulder and started playing with our hands. 'Stop tingling, stop tingling, stop tingling…' But it wouldn't stop. I sighed and tried to focus on the movie. Failed. I had to do something.

"Do you want popcorn?" I asked randomly, and tried to stand up but she dragged me down to the couch again.

"No, come here." She said, and snuggled even closer. She was still watching the movie, but I wasn't. I was now looking at her, and I couldn't look away. She lifted her head and looked back at me. Oh god, her eyes… I've never seen such amazing eyes in my entire life. Look away before you do anything stupid!

That's when I did something I couldn't stop. I looked at her lips and they were like magnets. I leaned in and…

"I'm home!" Mom shouted from the door, and I shoot out from the couch. I blushed profusely, and I didn't dare to look at Demi. 'God what have I done?' I ran up to my room. I met mom on the way but I didn't stop. I closed the door and went to my drawer, tears had started to fill my eyes. I took the razor blade out and went to my bathroom. I closed the door and sat down on the floor. I pulled up my sleeve and took the razor blade. I was now crying so I could barely see. 'I've ruined everything!!!' I thought, and put the razorblade against my skin. But someone stopped me. This someone took my right hand and threw away the razorblade. This someone took my shaking body and held me close and said "It's ok. It's ok."

Demi.

**Again, deeply sorry for not updating. *Unhides* There, throw pens. **

**R&R! :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four.**

We were sitting on the floor in my bathroom. I was crying in Demi's arms and I couldn't stop. She held me so close I could barely breath. But I didn't mind. But I did mind when she let go of me and got up. I didn't want her to. She reached out for my hands and lifted me up. We walked into my bedroom and I lied down on my bed. She sat down next to me and caressed my cheek while wiping away my tears. I was starting to fall asleep so I closed my eyes and lied there sniffling. I felt the bed shifting, so I opened my eyes and saw that Demi was on her way out of the room.

"Where are you going?" I asked, sounding kind of helpless.

"I-uh, I don't know, I can stay if you want." She answered, walking back to the bed.

"Of course I want, stupid." I said, and she smiled at my answer and sat down next to me. She had her thinking face on.

"What you thinking about?" I asked, looking her in the eyes. She thought about it a few more seconds, and then she asked me

"What was that before in the living room?" I froze. She looked at me wondering, but I had to look away. What was I going to say? I decided to act stupid, which made me do a mental slap afterwards.

"What do you mean?" (Slap.)

"You-…" She looked away from me. "You were going to… kiss me." That came out as a whisper.

It went silent for a while.

"I…" What was I going to say?!! I could see already that she's freaked out just by that. What if I said 'Oh yeah, that. Yes, well you see, Demi, I'm just so freaking in love with you. I couldn't help it.'

I would lose her.

Oh, well, it's now or never I guess…

"Demi…" I said and turned to her. She turned to me and looked me in the eyes. "I… I love you." I was prepared for her to freak out and run out the room and never wanting to see me again. It was a big risk to tell her this.

"Well, of course, I know that." Oh no. Did she misunderstand?

"No, I mean… in more… than a best friend way…" I looked away. I could feel her eyes on me. And I saw in the corner of my eye that she was surprised.

"What?" she whispered.

I sat up on the bed, still looking away. I leaned on my hands and my eyes wandered around the room while I was still waiting for her to run out of the room.

"Please don't hate me…" I said as I looked out the window. She didn't say a word. She hadn't left. Why? I turned to her only to see her smiling. Wait, what?!

"Why are y-," I was cut off by her lips on mine. Wait, what?! My mind was blurry and going crazy at the same time. And my body was living its own life when my lips started to kiss her back. Her hands had found its way to my cheeks and my right hand was lying on her waist. I still couldn't believe this was happening. When we finally pulled back in lack of air we smiled goofily at each other.

"I love you too." She said and smiled even bigger.

-

That proved that I was completely wrong. I still can't believe that she loves me back. I can't describe the feeling that is playing inside of me. I can at least say that I'm happy. No. I'm beyond happy. The girls I'm head over heels in love with, happens to love me back.

She went home after that her mom called her on the phone around 10 pm. I went downstairs to eat some pickles cos I knew that I wouldn't be able to fall asleep 'til a few more hours. All I could think about was her. Her lips, her scent, her smile, her hair, her body…

I stood in the kitchen leaning on the kitchen counter when my mom came in.

"Hey honey, are you alright?" she said with her caring voice and stroke my hair.

"Yeah I'm good." I answered and smiled at her. How could I not smile right now?

"I'm glad to hear." She smiled. "So what did you girls do when I came home?"

Oh, not again.

"We, uhm… Demi had something in her eye…" I said looking away. Lame excuse. Pray for her to believe it.

"I see… ok. It just looked like… never mind." She said and smiled, and walked out of the kitchen.

*Phew*

I decided to try to get some sleep, so I went upstairs to my room and changed into my pajamas. I threw the clothes I've worn on the chair by the desk and went to brush my teeth. When I opened the door I saw something I had completely forgotten about. The razorblade was still on the floor along with the towel. I decided to try to ignore it and I thought that I could take care of it tomorrow. But I just kept seeing the blade in the mirror, so I shoved it away with my foot. Not such a good idea, since I cut my big toe. Great. At least I didn't do it on purpose.

Or did I?

I knew that I could cut myself.

Hehe.

Ok, lol at the end but ok. This is short 2 :O oh nooooo. Oh well, I'll try to make it up to you. Next chapter. Or something. ^^

**You may hate me for not updating until now. :( I know I do. So it's ok if you do too. (exdee.) **

**I'm still blaming school. But this time I also blame Australia's next top model. Grrr. Ok, so it's kinda my fault. Let's do this then; I give you free pens so you can throw them at me? Deal. **


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five.**

My toe was still hurting. There's a red line on it, showing where I cut it. Bah, screw it. I jumped out of bed not knowing what time it was, and walked down to the kitchen. It was Saturday, so I wasn't surprised to see mom on her chair at the kitchen table reading some newspaper from who knows when.

"Good morning" she said, not looking up from the newspaper.

"Hey" I answered as my tummy roared for breakfast. I opened the fridge and took out what I needed for my breakfast consisting of butter, cheese and milk. The bread was on the counter. I put the things on the counter and started to make my sandwiches. That's when I saw that I was wearing a t-shirt, and my scars were showing. I panicked for a second, and turned around to go upstairs and put on a long-sleeved shirt.

"Where you going?" my mom asked, and looked up from the paper.

"Uhm, I'll be right back." I answered and rushed up the stairs.

After finally finding a shirt with sleeves long enough and some nice jeans to go with it, I went downstairs and continued with my sandwiches. I quickly ate them and went back upstairs. I had to clean my bathroom before mom came up to my room the next time. I opened the bathroom door and went inside. I closed the door just in case mom would just pop in. I took the towel and put it in the sink and turned on the warm water. It couldn't be as bloody as it was now. I put some soap in the water as well, just to try to get the most blood out. Otherwise the whole washing machine would turn red when washing it. (Which I'm gonna do when my mom is at work.)

I turned around and looked for the razorblade, but I couldn't find it. I got down on my knees and looked, and found it. Just when I found it I heard my moms voice from my room.

"Selena? Where are you?" I heard her coming towards the bathroom and I panicked for the second time that day. I stood up in a flash and threw the towel into the shower and closed the shower door just as my mom opened the door. I hid the razorblade in my hand behind my back until realizing that I was wearing my jeans and put the razorblade in my left back pocket.

"Ah, there you are." She said with a smile. "Demi's on the phone, she said that your phone led her to voicemail."

"Oh, maybe I forgot to charge it, I mean, it isn't the first time I forgot that, right?" I said and chuckled nervously. Why was I nervous? I don't know, but I should stop being that. I stopped chuckling when my mom looked weird at me.  
"Are you ok, honey?" she asked and entered the bathroom.

"I'm fine!" I said, a little too loud for it to be unsuspicious. But my mom just shrugged, gave me the phone and turned around, walking out of my room.

I put the phone to my ear and spoke. "Hello."

"_Hey, it's me. But you probably knew that_." She said and giggled, but suddenly stopped. "_Are you sure that you're ok? I mean, you didn't sound ok to me…_" She said, trailing off and I guess she was blushing for listening to me and my moms 'conversation'.

"No, I'm fine, I promise." I answered and walked out to my room.

"_Ok, well, I was just wondering if you'd like to come over? Mom's out shopping…_" Wow, didn't that sound suspicious.

"_I mean…_" she said, noticing her 'mistake'. "_Not like that._" She giggled. I did too.

"Yeah, I'll be over in ten." I answered.

"_Sel, we both know it takes you thirty minutes to walk here._" She giggled again. Knees go weak…

"Yeah, I know, but it sounds better with ten."

She giggled once again, and I had to sit down.

"_May be so. Well, I'll see you in…ten._" She laughed and ended the call.

****************************************************

Okay, I'm begging you to throw pens at me. Pls? Bad me. And I mean RLY bad me. For not updating. This is short, I know, I'm sorry. But I wanted to put something up asap. So I did. R&R!!!!!!!

(I hope you're still reading… Otherwise I'll be sad. Like this -- :( )

So uhm… Review please. It makes me like this -- :D and that is good!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six**

I was finally by her house and knocking on her door. The next second I found myself lying on the ground with Demi in my arms.

"Hey, take it easy, it's no fun making out when I'm sore." I said and pouted.

"Aww, where does it hurt? I'll kiss it and make it feel better." She said and smiled.

"My lips…" I answered, and she pecked my lips before hastily pulling away.

"Hey! I want more!" I said and pouted again.

"Not outside," she said getting up on her feet and held out her hands for me to grab. She pulled me up and dragged me inside.

After a half hour hot make-out session in her bed I now laid with my head on her chest and my arm around her waist.

I could feel that something hung in the air, so I looked up at Demi and saw that she was deep in thought.

"What's the matter?" I asked, bringing her out of her own little world.

"Hm? Oh, uhm…" She thought of what she would say. "I…I just…"

"Spit it out." I said calmly and lifted my head off her chest to look her in the eyes. But she didn't look back, and there were tears visible in her eyes. She now sat up with her back facing me. It was quiet for a moment as I waited for her to speak.

"Promise… Promise that you'll never cut yourself again."

I always knew this would be brought up sooner or later, but it still surprised me.

"I, uhm…"

"Promise me!" She turned around and looked me in the eyes. "You have to promise me that you'll never cut yourself again!"

She was begging me. I could see in her teary eyes that she was.

I looked away from her eyes, feeling my own tears wanting to come out. But I wouldn't let them. Not this time. It's not like I don't want to stop, it has just become like… Like a hurting drug for me.

"Please…" She was now crying and it only gave me another reason to cut myself. I hated to see her like this. And the reason she is crying is because of me. It's all because of me. It's all my fault.

I looked back into her eyes and I knew I shouldn't have. I was defeated the second I looked into her eyes.

"I promise."

Isn't it funny that all it takes to make me do or stop doing anything is a pair of two brown, beautiful eyes? I would do anything for the owner of those eyes.

She had now started to calm down but she was still crying. I crawled over to her side of the bed and held her close, letting her tears run down on my shoulder.

/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I

Short, yes, but I've scribbled down like, 2 other chapters in my notebook. (Wow, who knew that breaks in school are excellent times to write? :O) (Ok, a few lessons as well… but don't mention that to my teachers.) I'm planning on posting another chapter either tonight or tomorrow. :)

**R&R!!!! Pwease? *Puppy dog face* **


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven.**

She told me to get rid of it.

So here I am, searching through my room. Where the hell did I put it? I've been looking everywhere! It's not in my bathroom, nor in my room or anyplace else!

Oh god…

What if mom found it? Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

No, Selena. Don't panic. She hasn't found out. She probably would have fainted or something like that if she found it. Just keep looking, Selena. Gah, since when did I start talking to myself?!

A half hour later, and I still couldn't find it. Sighing, I laid down on my bed and feared the worst. If mom found out she'd probably make me go see a shrink for the rest of my life. Brrr...

Sighing again, I sat up on the bed and gazed over my room. Even though I had gone through every inch of my room it still looked clean…ish. For once.

I guess I just had to wait and see if mom had found it or not. She wouldn't be home until a few hours…

Mom had come home and she hadn't said anything…yet. That's a good sign but she still had dinner to talk during.

"Selena! Dinner!"

Here goes.

That was the slowest dinner in history. I sat there silently praying to god that she hadn't found it. I guess god likes me. Sometimes. When I'm not cursing…

After dinner I made my way up to my room and closed the door behind me.

"Thank you god."

But I hadn't found it either. And that's not good.

I decided to go to sleep and see if I could remember tomorrow where I put it.

02.13 AM.

I can't sleep. Why the hell can I not sleep?!

I got up and turned the light on. Huh, I guess my room wasn't so clean after all.

I started cleaning my desk as quietly as possible. (Didn't want to wake mom…) But that was quickly done. So I moved over to the floor…

Ugh, cleaning is no fun.

I finally fell asleep around three but was awaken by mom at eight. I guess she didn't mean to, she just made A LOT of noise… But she still woke me up. And in two seconds I was wide-awake. Grrr… No idea to try to get back to sleep.

I got up and walked downstairs to the living room. Mom was in the kitchen making breakfast and noise. I sat down in the couch and turned on the TV even though I knew that there's nothing good to watch by this time of the day…

EY! Mickey Mouse clubhouse is on!

Well, that kept me busy for twenty minutes… Now what?

Mom had gone upstairs to get ready for work, so the kitchen was empty. I sat down by the table staring out in the air till I shot up from the chair.

"My jeans!" I said and ran upstairs to my room. I slammed the door shut and I wish I hadn't. I'm sure mom would come and see if something was wrong. I stood on the floor and waited, but she never came. Oh well, that's just good.

I searched through my room but I couldn't find my jeans. I looked up and saw the door to my closet.

"God, how could I forget? Stupid…" I must be getting old. I ran to the closet and opened the door. My closet is pretty big, but since there's clothes thrown everywhere it looked much smaller than it really is. I searched through my clothes and finally found the jeans. I fumbled with them till I found the back pocket.

Bingo.

I took out the razorblade and stood up. That's when I heard my mom in the door to my room.

"Sweetie? I'm going to work now." She said.

"OK, love you, bye!" I said it too fast…

"Honey, are you OK?" I heard she was making her way over to the closet. I didn't have time to hide the blade so I closed my hand and held it behind my back, trying to look as normal as possible. She looked inside my closet, seeing me in a big pile of clothes on the floor.

"I'm fine." I said and smiled. She smiled back and nodded. She was just about to leave when she asked, "By the way, why did you slam the door?"

"Ehm…" Come on, Sel, think of something! "There was a draught." *slap*

That's seriously worth laughing at. That excuse is making it on my 'lame excuse top list'…

…if I had one… Which I don't… 'cause that would be stupid. Who has one? NOT me, that I can tell you.

Pfff… top list…

Heh.

"O-K…" She looked suspicious. "Well, whatever reason it was, I've got to go." Thank you, moms work.

"OK, see you later." I smiled and she left for work.

I closed the closet door and the door to my room before sitting down on my bed. I opened my hand.

Great.

I had cut my hand. Not much, but there was small cuts with blood coming from them. I went to the bathroom and put the razorblade on the counter and washed away the blood with water.

As I saw the blood going down the drain, pictures of Demi crying because of me came to my mind.

...

I looked at the razorblade on the counter… I quickly turned my head the other way. I can't. I promised.

Maybe I could just cut a little, so little that she wouldn't know..?

No. I can't.

I turned off the water and dried my hands on a towel and put some band-aid on the cuts in my hand. I went to my room before remembering that I had to get rid of it. (I so must be getting old…) I turned around and walked back to the bathroom. When I got there I stopped by the counter and stared at the razorblade. There it lied, laughing me in the face.

'_**What, you don't dare to pick me up?' **_It laughed again. _**'Come on, I wont hurt you.'**_

Stupid razorblade.

The pictures reappeared in my head. I looked down at my covered wrist. I pulled the sleeve up and saw the scars through my falling tears.

"I can't…" I cried.

_**I told you, I wont hurt you… Although I should. Why did you hurt Demi? It was **__**you**__** who made her cry. It's **__**all**__** your fault.'**_

Crying, I lowered the blade towards my wrist…

/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I

**A/N: DUN dun duuuun! ****Lol. So...yeah. I finally wrote a longer chapter. I hope you like it. :) **

**Review, pwease! Cos reviews, like, make me happy. ^^**

**And I've started working on next chapter. So it wont take long until it's up. :) **

**Oh, and…review? :D pleeease! **


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter Eight.**

Blood.

Blood everywhere.

Why?

Why couldn't I keep my promise?

I am the worst friend ever.

She is going to hate me.

That's another reason to cut myself.

But that'll just equal her being more mad at me.

The cycle never ends.

Well… It'll end if I stop cutting myself, that much I understand.

But how can I stop…

When it's all my fault?

---

The blood is running down my wrist. Again.

Why did that stupid razorblade have to talk?!

It must have been my imagination.

But it's true, what he said.

It's all my fault.

---

Why can't I stop?

---

It was time again. Stupid thoughts. Stupid razorblade. Stupid me.

I went to the bathroom. It was afternoon, around three, so mom wasn't home. Demi hadn't noticed anything. I've been good at controlling myself…kind of. What I mean is that I don't cut so deep.

I took out the razorblade and pulled up my sleeve.

1 cut. Not too deep, but deep enough for it to hurt.

2 cuts. Hurts more. But I still need more pain…

Just as I was about to cut for the third time my phone rang.

"**SHIT!**"

It scared me and I cut too deep. Shit. I dropped the blade and turned on the water to wash away the blood. I quickly dried my wrist with a towel and ran to answer the phone.

Where the HELL is my phone?!!

(Of course it was at its usual spot, on the nightstand next to the bed…)

It rang for the fifth time when I answered it.

"Hello?" I answered a little stressed out and out of breath.

"Hey…Are you ok?" Why does everybody ask that?

"Yes, I am." I answered and tried to slow down my breath.

"Ok, good, so uhm, I just wondered if you'd like to come over?" Demi asked. Great timing.

"Uhm…" I looked down at my wrist that was covered by a towel, which was now red 'cause of the blood. "Yeah, sure, I'll be over in thirty."

"Not in ten?" I knew she smiled. I would too if it wasn't for the damn blood dripping on the floor.

"Yeah, right. In ten." I ended the call and threw the phone on the bed. I ran to the bathroom and tried to get the blood to stop pouring out of my wrist, which I luckily could. I put on a long-sleeved shirt and jeans and started walking.

/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I

A/N: Yes, I know, it's really really short, but I wanted to post something asap and also to tell you guys that I'm going to Stockholm for the rest of the week and be back on Sunday. Ugh, I wish I could bring my computer… But I'll keep on scribbling down chapters in my notebook and maybe post something while in Stockholm. (There's a computer I can borrow.)

**Please be patient, when I come back I'll try to…not take such long time posting chapters. *is ashamed***


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter Nine.**

I was finally by her door, but I felt nothing but guilty. How could I do this to her? I _promised _her! I was standing outside her door, gathering energy enough to pretend but ended up counting my breaths.

I finally rang the doorbell and I didn't have to wait long for her to come. She opened the door and was all smiles. Her smile was, like always, contagious, and my faked smile turned into a real one. (Isn't it weird how one person can do that to you?) She pulled me into a hug and mumbled a 'hi' into my neck. I giggled and pulled out of the hug and answered her with a 'hi' back.

We had been in her room for quite some time talking about this and that. It was like what I had done hadn't happened. Of course, _she_ didn't know it had happened, but I did. I tried my best to keep those guilt-filled thoughts out of my head.

It worked until I accidentally hit my wrist against her desk. I had to hold in a scream, it hurt sooo bad. I must have hit the deepest cut. Demi noticed my weird expression that was plastered on my face instead of me screaming out my pain.

"Are you OK?" she got up from her bed and started to walk towards me.

"No! I mean, yes. I'm fine." Nice going, stupid. "I just need to…" As I said the last sentence I had already made my way to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me and sat down on the floor.

Stupid guilt-filled feelings! LEAVE ME ALONE!!

They slowly started to fade away as I tried to think of something else. I stood up and stared at the reflection of myself in the mirror.

"Ugh…"

I turned my head and walked towards the door and opened it, finding Demi with worry all over her face.

"Are you sure you're OK?" she asked and stood in front of me, looking me in the eyes.

"Yes, I'm OK. I just, uh, stomach ache." I'm great with making up excuses, aren't I? NOT.

I smiled at her, and she returned it with her trademark smile. She pulled me into a hug and held me close for a while before releasing me and going down on her knees.

"What ar-" She shushed me and brought my shirt up a bit. She then started to put soft kisses on my stomach, mumbling something about that my pain would go away. I couldn't concentrate anymore, and my knees started to buckle, but she put her hands on my waist, holding me up. She got up on her feet again and backed me towards the bed. Luckily this was her room and not mine, otherwise we would have tripped on a bazillion things. Her room was always clean, never anything on the floor. Except the mat…

Back to reality, which was like a fantasy at the moment. I had never seen Demi's eyes so lustful. I felt the bed against my legs and I sat down on it. Demi followed down and I started crawling backwards against the headboard. She crawled along and her lips were just inches away from mine. She closed the distance between our lips and started to run her hands along my body. After a few soft kisses she gently caressed my lower lip with her tongue, asking for entrance, which I gladly granted. Our tongues battled for what seemed like forever, but oxygen became a need and we pulled apart. Demi's lips only found their way down to my neck and she gently started kissing and sucking on it. Then she did something I wish she hadn't done. She took my wrists and put them above my head against the bed. I couldn't hold in an 'ouch', and she quickly pulled away.  
"What is it?" she asked, her eyes wondering to my left wrist. Her face became sad and she sat down next to me on the bed. I took my wrist to my face to look at it, and I saw a red stain.

Blood.

Ugh. I sat up on the bed, slightly behind her. Even though her back was facing me I could see she was crying.

"Demi, I'm sorry…"

"You-, you promised me." She said through her sobs. "You promised me you'd stop."

"I know, and I'm s-" She cut me off.

"Doesn't a promise mean anything to you?" She had now turned around and was looking me straight in the eye.

"Of course it does, I just-" She cut me off again.

"You just what, Selena? You just thought you could cut without me knowing? You must have known I would find out one day! And what if that day I found out was the day that you cut way to deep and bled to death?! One wrong cut and you're gone! Can't you see what danger you're putting yourself in?!" Her voice had gotten stronger with every word.

I was near tears by now. What the hell have I gotten myself into?! I let a tear roll down my cheek as I turned back to Demi. She waited for me to speak as she let her own tears fall down onto the bed.

"I can't stop, Demi." I looked her in the eyes. "I can't stop."

"What do you mean you 'can't stop'?"

"I mean it has became an addiction. I can't stop… Demi…" I let all my tears fall. "I need help." By that, she took me in her arms and held me close, whispering that 'everything would be OK.'

I was having a hard time believing it, but in her arms, I felt a little hope for myself growing.

I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I/I

A/N: So, I decided to end it there. But I do have thoughts about a sequel, not sure yet. What do you think? :)

**I'm sorry for not updating, but I have my reasons. I've been really depressed lately, and I've had a really hard time with school. I feel better now though, so I hope I will get back to writing Demena fanfics. I have actually a couple ideas written down, so maybe I'll post a few oneshots or something like that in the near future. :) Expect something 'here we go again'ish, + some cool (at least in my head they are…) ideas. Oh, and one story that I've gotten started a little with was actually inspired by me when I was really depressed. (Like a week ago…) But it's definitely not my life, it's Selena's. Muohahaha. (why is it always Selena I wanna write problems about?:S) FANFIC! Not real life, duh. **

**Thx for reading this story, and I hope you liked it! :) **


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